December 12, 2021

grief and love

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” —Leo Tolstoy

Our grief is still real and tangible and that place for her in our hearts will always be there.

And we are healing, too. We go forward loving others and each other and missing her all in the same breath.

Brinn has been talking about her every single day. Every day.

Mostly she just says to me, “I miss Kay Kay.” Sometimes she is angry and tells me so, “I am mad K isn’t here.” And sometimes she tells me “to just go to the doctor and ask for another baby K to come home to us right now.”

Just this morning we were talking about our K bug and she was telling me she misses her. I told her how much I missed her too but that K is safe and that we could be happy that she is with her birth parents. She quickly replied that she is not happy about that and she wants her here with us. That’s where she is in her grief.

It helped so much when a few weeks ago we got to stop by her house and say hello to sweet baby girl. She was crawling and smiling and pulling herself up and it was glorious to be with her again. It was comforting and hard, too short and every moment was cherished. 

It really did help Brinn to get to play with her for awhile. She went maybe 5 whole days without bringing her up. Then I saw her bring a chair over to some photos on the wall. She stood up to face the picture of her holding baby K. She started talking to the picture and telling K how much she misses and loves her. It was tender and heartbreaking and beautiful. I’ve seen her do it a couple of times since and I think it helps her process her grief. 

She has such a big loving heart which means she feels this loss in a big way, too. I can relate. I’m trying to give us both all the space and time we need to grieve and process. 

K is so loved by us and will always hold a place in our lives and hearts.