October 6, 2018

chemo 4 and 5

I had the worst attitude ever about getting chemo number 4. I wanted to run away. I didn’t want to go through it again. Eric stays positive and amazing through all of this, even when I tell him I’m not going (he’s pretty good at ignoring my drama).

Number four was my last “red devil” infusion. I was glad it was my last one, but scared to still have to experience it. Part of me was happy to be halfway done and wanted to celebrate and part of my was like “oh no I’m really only halfway done??—how can I do four more chemo?!”

See, bad attitude.

And there’s my totally fake smile.

That last AC chemo was terrible. I was so sick. Layla is an angel though and always checks on me on my bad days. She brought me water and a bowl of fruit (that she cut up and prepared herself!). And then she played doctor on me (just ignore the fact that she’s mostly looking like a construction worker here). I promise you, she was quite the doctor. She performed surgery (with a saw!) on my knee and by the end of the surgery I had twins! Seriously, she keeps me entertained, comfortable, and feeling loved.

I can still be a mom and live my life just fine without hair, but oh do I have hair envy! I notice everyone’s hair. I never used to, but I really do notice, and admire, all hair—the color, length, texture, style, if I can chop their hair off and make a wig. It’s totally weird I know. Overall, I am handling being bald just fine, but I will be so thrilled to have my hair back someday!

My fifth chemo had to be postponed because I had a cough that would not go away. My doctor did not want the cough to turn into pneumonia. I was pretty excited to have that extra week off, even though I was coughing something awful. A cough is WAY better than chemo. 

Unfortunately though, I was still coughing a week later when it was almost time for my next chemo. My doctor was worried I might have blood clots on my lungs. So while we are at court for Brinna’s adoption, my doctor was calling me and the nurses were calling me to get me in to get a CT scan on my lungs that afternoon. Our celebration was cut short and I ended up spending 5 hours getting my blood work and the CT scan done. It was an awful day. I was so frustrated to be spending so long on these tests when all I wanted to do was be home and celebrate that our baby was officially ours and we were a family of seven. But then the severity of the possibility of blood clots on my lungs hit me and I was terrified that I would be rushed to the hospital. And I still do not do well with needles! My emotions were running high and I started bawling in front of the nurse (it probably didn’t help that they also told me to fast just before we ordered food for lunch so I was going on an empty stomach and that’s never a good idea for me). She was so compassionate towards me and I was so grateful. 

Thankfully, I did not have any blood clots and I was finally able to go home. Our kids had been home for about 5 hours at this point. Sweet Layla had been doing her thing and made my bed, set the table, and cleaned up the loft for me. It was a lovely surprise to come home to.

Since I had the all clear, I had to get Chemo number five the next day. This was my first time with Taxol. They give you a large amount of Benadryl in your pre meds the first time you get Taxol. It knocked me right out.

Most everyone told me how much easier Taxol is compared to AC. They were wrong! The first two days probably were a little bit better, but, oh man, the rest of the week and then some was awful. It was different than AC, but just as bad. I also broke out into a rash so they had to put me on a steroid. My head was clearer, but my body ached bad from head to toe. I felt like an old lady. And I still felt nauseous and had the same gi issues. I also experienced neuropathy in my feet. It was not very fun. But I have now done more chemo treatments than I have left! Maybe there is a light at the end of this nightmare tunnel…

We got the itemized bill for my mastectomy and reconstruction from the hospital. Yikes! Isn’t that a ridiculous number? So glad for insurance!