January 15, 2019


*I wrote this post back in September. I just realized I never published it. 

I saw someone I hadn't seen in awhile. She asked if I had cancer and I told her my story. She commented that I was a fighter. That made me want to laugh. I am sooo not a fighter. But this actually gets said to me often so it's been on my mind lately.

I've said from my initial diagnosis, that if my choices were flight or fight, I'd choose to flight every time. Most of the time I'd rather run and hide from uncomfortable situations. I'd rather pretend it wasn't happening or wash my hands of it and separate myself from it. I'd rather escape than face it head on with courage.

So the thing is with cancer, you don't really get a choice to flight or flight. You just do. You have to "fight. " You have to do it. What choice do you have? Yes, I guess my thoughts have gone to those dark places of what that other choice would be if I didn't fight, because I have such fear of anything medical, but I know that is not my choice or one of my options. So I take it day by day and I just do it. Sometimes "fighting" just looks like showing up.

My fighting also looks like being carried. Honestly, I feel like I have been carried through this. Mostly, Eric is the one carrying me along. He is everything to me right now. And when I am not feeling brave, his bravery and strength lifts me. I feel like my ward, friends, and some family have also been right there carrying me through this. I don't feel like much of a "fighter" when everyone else is taking care of so much and encouraging me along.

At the same time, I do think we are capable of so much more than we realize. Fighting is recognizing that. We can do so much more than we think we can. I think as long as you desire the outcome and recognize the worth and value of the end goal, you can totally do whatever it is you have to face. In cancer, I know I want to live. I want to be a mom and a wife and enjoy this life on earth. That end goal is the most important to me. So I can endure all of the cancer treatments because I want to live.

I think the same applies to the rest of life. Whether it be finishing school, a personal best sports goal, starting a new job, moving somewhere new, whatever it is. When we desire something, we are totally capable of achieving it or facing it. No matter how hard. People tell me often how hard foster care and adoption would be for them. And it can be hard! But, to me, the value of it--caring for a precious child, giving them a chance at a healthy, productive life, and being a parent--is much more important than the fears and struggles of it. Because I desire to be a mom and to care for God's children, I can totally do it. I can do it even though it will be really, really hard. When we make up our minds to do something and we are motivated by the outcome, we can honestly do incredible things. Seriously, we can do so much more than we initially think we can.

Sometimes Heavenly Father needs us to step out of our comfort zones and choose to do hard things. Sometimes he allows hard things to happen to us. It's ok to face something hard. It's ok to be scared, worried, unprepared, and overwhelmed sometimes. Because the things we have to "fight" for are always some of the best.