May 12, 2015

hard things of today

Many things 
in my life
are wonderful 
and enjoyable 
and bring me all sorts of happiness, love and joy.

there's also 
the hard stuff.
I just need to take a minute 
to acknowledge 
the hard stuff of today.

Of course, there are the giant messes 
that appear 
and reappear 
in every area of the house.
But we also have some challenges stemming from 
and a microdeletion on chromosome 15Q11.2 
Like, the boogers smeared on the wall 
in the time-out corner.
And then there are P's tantrums 
that are downright
and I live on edge 
because I never know 
when they will happen.
If they happen in the car, 
he may unbuckle and hit everyone,
throw whatever he can, including his booster seat,
and scream.
Eric and I divide and conquer 
wherever we go, 
usually because P can only last so long 
in a public or group activity. 
During church, P can be doing great 
with snacks and activities one minute, 
but then the next 
he has thrown his chewy 
and is trying to dump the crackers and throw the toys 
and so we carry him out 
all out of sorts 
until he can calm down.
P got written up on the bus 
and is refusing to work and tantruming at school now.
97% of our family mealtimes and prayers 
carry on 
while P is screaming.
It is hard to train one young child 
to do or not do something 
when another young child 
is not doing/doing it.
P is saying bad words 
and telling people to die and that he will cut them. 
When we tell him to stop 
he thinks it's funny and does it more. 
When we try to ignore it, 
he keeps saying it anyways.
We still spoon feed Perry and help him dress, etc. 
It's more of a focusing 
and motivation 
issue than an incapability.
I constantly have to 
Perry by blocking his path and using my body 
to guide him where he needs to go.
P can sometimes follow directions, 
but again it's a motivation/focus thing 
so it's a happy surprise when he does what we ask.
It is quite difficult 
to hold a conversation and 
to get/keep his attention.
We worry
about his developmental delays and
are we doing enough to help and support?

We also have a 3 year old 
who is testing limits, 
not telling the truth about anything, 
calling everyone names, and copying the example of her brother 
by throwing and hitting everyone when she is mad.
And my older boys have their things, too. 
E and I sometimes feel guilt that 
we don't get to give them as much time and attention 
as we would like to. 

That basically sums up the really hard things of today.
Like I said, 
there are so many 
good things of today, too 
all mixed up 
with those hard things.

The crazy and overwhelming parts of my life 
sure do help me 
to appreciate the good in my life. 
They also teach me,
keep me humble 
and on my toes. 
I know that one day
I will read this and laugh a lot or 
barely remember what these days are like.
I'll probably just delete this in the near future
because maybe I shouldn't write all these things about our little guy,
but maybe when we open up 
we learn 
we are not alone
and we will be ok
and the hard things will be ok and work out, too.
We are slowly figuring out 
what works and 
what doesn't. 
We feel strengthened 
by the Lord and 
we have received 
inspiration and 
His help along the way. 
The hard things of today are still hard,
but I know we will make it through
and be just fine, and probably be even better for it. 
Barb said...

Do not delete this posting! You will want to read this in the future. Your older boys need to read this now, along with all the joyful and funny posts. They NEED to read your words, all your feelings. They need to hear that you are missing the time you can't spend with them!
I don't know if you will ever laugh at some of these memories, but there will come a time that you will read about them and realize how strong you were, how strong you are! Heavenly Father is guiding you through each precious day with His children. Love you and your dear family!

The Kovar Family said...

I haven't been to your blog for awhile, but I stopped here today and saw so many wonderful and real things. Real things are good and important, too. Sometimes it is very difficult to explain the things that you did here - because they are so outside of reality for others. What I have found is that many who can relate cannot put words to their experiences - and when they read your words, they will feel validation and hope. They will feel some sort of companionship in knowing that they are not alone - and you may even give them the words to explain their reality. Speaking our truth, or writing it down, helps us to understand it and move forward. My four year old intense child was different yet very similar to P. As I read this I remember all of the explaining and relating I tried to do at that time as you and I were new friends. As I read this I know you understand now, and I hope you know I do, too. Mine has grown into a nine year old intense child that can charm the socks off of anyone while surprising and sometimes scaring those that are closest to him. We all do the best that we can for our children. No parent is perfect. But good parents love their children and use love, trust and faith to make the best decisions possible. Don't delete this. It's real and it's beautiful, and it shows how much you love your son.