August 18, 2014

don't give up

Eric and I had the chance to hike Mt. Pilchuck together.

We were on a time restraint so our babysitter could get to another activity. So we had to book it up that mountain.

It was our first time hiking it. I knew there was a lookout tower at the top. But I wasn't expecting the fact that you had to clamber over boulders to get to this lookout on the tip top of the mountain.

Those people in that picture make it look so comfortable and easy.

It wasn't.

Not for me.

You see, I have this deep fear of heights. Like I shake climbing onto the third rung of a ladder. I sometimes get dizzy on narrow long escalators or stairs.

And I have a really active imagination that thinks about earthquakes and rock slides, and scenes of mountains and rock giants coming alive and having boulder wars, like in the Hobbit.

I froze at the top. I have never been that frightened in my life.

I slowly made my way over the boulders and to the base of the ladder.

I looked up at the ladder I was supposed to climb. I felt dizzy. My hands were shaking. Unstable hands didn't make me feel better about the climb either. I didn't feel in control. I didn't know if I trusted myself or that ladder.

There were people at the top enjoying the view and chatting and I wanted to scream at them. How could they be so relaxed? Didn't they know that they could fall to their death at any second??

Eric was up at the top and when he saw me hesitating he tried to give me some encouragement and vouch for the safety and strength of the ladder.

I had a choice. To climb or not to climb. To keep going and face my fear or to give up and succumb to my weakness.

I am not a quitter.

I finished that horrendous climb. And then clung to the center of the lookout, trying to enjoy the beautiful view whenever the fog cleared out a bit.

I look like I was probably smiling, but really I was anxious and mustering up all of my mental powers to keep cool all while desperately wishing that Eric would stop walking around the edge taking selfies and let us get down from this blasted lookout.

But I did it. I faced my fears. I did something hard for me. And I don't regret it one bit.

There are a lot of uncomfortable and hard things to do in life. But I can't give up.

I won't give up.

Lately I feel like I am clambering over one big boulder after another trying to navigate my way to a good place with Perry. We've gone through some tough stuff with him and big decisions. Sometimes I am weighed down by his needs and a feeling of not being in control. I keep going because I have hope that we will figure it out and get to that good place. It takes time. It's a little scary and a lot hard. Someday we will get there to the tip top of the mountain and together will enjoy the views from the lookout.

Face those fears. Don't give up.