November 13, 2011


What's your
initial reaction
when you hear
open adoption?

I'm curious what you think.

I've been thinking a lot about this one.
It's been on my mind these last few months.
My thoughts get stirred up anew
everytime the boys mention their birthparents,
we update our adoption profile on,
or I dive into an adoption conversation with someone.

At the beginning of our adoption process,
a big part of me
did NOT LIKE talking to the boys about their birthparents.
I got a sick feeling every time I had to explain something to them.
I was mad at their birthparents
for hurting and causing so many problems for these little boys,
but mostly I was jealous.
I wanted to be THE mom.
Not them.
I felt a stab when Kacin cried out at night for "mom".
Which mom did he mean?
I wanted it to be me.
I may have even wanted the boys to forget their birthparents
and cling to us.
Only us.

And then
I recieved
some revelation and some understanding.
I read again a special priesthood blessing I had when I was younger
that instructed me that "the children that would come into my home
would esteem me highly as their eternal mother".
I am not the mom that brought them into this world
or the first who fell in love with their eyes and little hands.
But that's OK
because I am their forever mom.
My boys will always wonder about, talk about, and love
their birthmom.
But that does not lessen the love I share with my boys
or devalue my role as mother.
There's a place for both of us.
Then it hit me,
one day while doing laundry,
we are all children of our Heavenly Father.
Which means that these children we carry for 9 months,
birth, legally adopt, become stepmom's of, or adopt in our hearts
are God's children
that he entrusts to us.
We are all caring for HIS.
So does it really matter how they came to be in our lives?

Everyone I have recently spoken with about open adoption
has expressed fear--
Fear that the child would leave
and search out their birthparents.
Fear that they would have a relationship with their birthparents.
Fear that the birthparents would kidnap the child.

I believe that replacing that fear with peace
comes only through openness.
We often fear what we don't know.
Maybe that doesn't mean a relationship with birthparents today.
Or maybe it does.
For us, openness means
talking about what we know of the boys birthfamily,
answering questions,
sharing their story,
helping them remember and record their memories and feelings.
And then just being willing to consider
that there will probably be a time
later on in life
when it is safe and beneficial
to have contact with their birthparents.
I believe openness in adoption brings healing and peace.
Suzanne said...

I really like your post. I like your definition of openness in adoption. That is as public as I'll be about my opinion but I think you are doing it right Laura!

AnneMarie said...

Laura-you are an AWESOME mom! I wish I could have done some of the things you've done with your boys. And it really is so great that you are their forever mom!

chelsea :: stock said...

I love this!

I am excited to hear your thoughts all week/month. keep em coming!!

Emily Widdison said...

beautiful words. I'm sorry if it is weird for you that I am leaving a comment--but I love reading your posts and I think you are such a AWESOME mom. Such fun cute ideas come from your house! Anyways, I think you have such a beautiful understanding of adoption. Those boys are SO lucky. My sister adopted a little girl from birth who is now 9 and she is deathly afraid of her birth parents finding her...I think it is so sad and such an unhealthy thing to do but I stay quiet because it is not my place but I worry someday that that little girl will resent them for shielding her so much...we'll just have to wait and see. My sister is very extreme about keeping her daughters identity hidden...I even had to make my blog private so that they could not search and find her name and picture on my blog. It makes me hurt for the birth mom who probably would like to see a picture every once in a while...but it is a closed adoption. I can't really know how any mother who adopts feels about the things you write about, but I can imagine many things would be very hard. You are doing such a good job! It makes me think that I could adopt too someday--I think there are so many children who deserve a loving family like yours.

Stefanie Hyer said...

I love that you have that blessing. That is so special and true!