May 5, 2010

Infertility and Me

I've written of it before.
Yet I write of it again
because this is what I'm experiencing.
I write to release.
There are so many emotions,
not everyone can understand,
just like I don't fully understand what it's like to
be abused, lose my dad, or battle cancer.
It comes in waves.
I am happy, I am satisfied, I am hopeful.
I am sad, I am frustrated, I am hopeless.

Each month when it doesn't happen,
I grieve a loss.
I cry. I sob.
No one usually knows.
I have to keep going.
I am still a mom to two fantastic little boys
whom I love, care for, and am ever so grateful for.
But my heart yearns for more.

I know it's not true, but the thoughts race through my mind,
am I not a good enough mother?
can I not be trusted with more?
am I forgotten?
I push the thoughts aside because
deep down I know it's not so.

And then the advice comes:
just relax.
stop worrying about it and then it will just happen.
I knew a girl who . . .
Even once, I heard, "Eric, just get her drunk!"

I wonder why I even want to bear a child so much.
It will cause more physical pain than I care to think about.
It will mean a trip to the hospital and IV's.
I will get puffy and large and tired.
Or the child may end up some strange
and unpleasant combination of my chubby cheeks and E's big neck.
Still, I ache for it.
I know the love and the joy only a mother feels.
And I want that.

I tend to think about infertility as my trial.
The trial that is for me at this time
because that is how my Heavenly Father knew I would learn best.
Maybe some people would experience infertility
and be able to "just relax",
maybe some would go get drunk to get through,
but with my sadness and strugglings
the way I have found
is to recognize that it's ok for me to feel sad.
It wouldn't exactly be called one of my trials if I wasn't upset about it.
Now I take that sadness and I find strength
in a caring, supportive husband
in a family who loves me no matter what
in connecting with friends who share similar stories
in a son who prays daily "bless mommy to have a baby, if it be Thy will"
and most importantly
in my Savior, Jesus Christ,
who has felt all that I feel,
who I can trust,
who will not leave me alone.

This adventure of infertility will not end for me tomorrow.
I have hope that it won't be too much longer,
but it may not ever end on this earth.
But I am grateful because
I've been stretched.
I have stronger relationship with E.
I am learning about patience and service.
I seek daily for greater faith
and a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I am grateful for what infertility is teaching me.
Sonya said...

I love you, Laura, and I wish you peace.

Darcee said...

{Hugs}. Give your tender heart a big hug from me.

Natalie said...

You are one of the strongest. I love you Laura!

chelsea :: stock said...

I wish I knew what to say.

just know I am thinking of you OFTEN, even if I don't say much about it. (I am terrified of saying the wrong thing, so I ere on the side of saying too little)

glad you are here. I've learned a lot about mothering from you already, just from watching you.

More Bacon said...

I've been stalking your blog since I saw you all at the adoption in March, but haven't commented until now. Love, love, love getting to see the pictures of your sweet boys getting so big!

I hope all the best for you in this current challenge. You know, of course, that if it were up to me, I would give you zillions of children. (Well, maybe not zillions, as I suspect they wouldn't fit into your house, but you get what I mean.)

Infertility is one of those strange trials that can lead us to exactly where we need to be. I cannot imagine Ky and Kacin having a better family situation than they have now. I continue to be grateful for your strength, and I keep your sweet family in my prayers.

Now that Ky and Kacin have found their mom and dad, I hope that your struggles with infertility can cease and you can be blessed with children by birth. I don't know what the future holds for you all, but it makes me so happy that the four of you have each other to get through whatever is ahead.

Love you guys!

Also, I promised to keep you updated as to law school--I'm moving to New York City to attend a school out there called Cardozo in August. Scary, but exciting. I owe a lot of the passion and fight that drives me to your sweet boys. :)

nancy said...

You are strong. We love you and pray for you.

Stefanie Hyer said...

We love you so much Lo Lo! You are one AMAZING person and mommy! You inspire me everyday and everytime I hear what you do in your daily life... to be a better mommy and better wife and better person! Continue being patient! Heavenly Father knows best and may know something that you do not right now!

Holly Janeen said...

i love you.
here is a huge hug from Utah.
i feel it such a privilege to know you. you a such a great example to me in so many ways, i hope you know that.
i wish i could just wave a magic wand and make your wishes come true! (i am sure you already asked your fairy godmother...)
i will put your name in the temple when i go tomorrow and hope that you can feel my prayers and find comfort and peace.

AnneMarie said...

What tender thoughts--thank you for sharing them. Let's all have the faith to say what your son does, "if it be thy will"

Love you and miss you!

Jenna Allen said...

I love you SO much Losie.
Thanks for sharing that.
You are such an amazing lady.

Unknown said...

Laura you brought tears to my eyes. I've always been a crybaby I guess, but your post definitely touched my heart. Becki and I will be praying for you guys.